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Where To?

When I was single, I could stay in for weekends like a champion and be very, VERY content. 

Between reading, knitting, doing jigsaw puzzles, playing charades, binging Netflix, surfing Daily Mail, Instagram-stalking realty stars - so much contentment can be found in four walls.

Sometimes I love a good dreary, rainy day because it gives me the perfect excuse to do 'nothing' over the weekend. Why is staying in considered nothing? 

Why does being content with your own company and space get discounted to, well, nothing?

Now that I can 'stay in' for the entire week, which is my jam, I should be having a blast. 

And I am, but I also have bouts of feeling directionless. Pathetic. Of feeling non-productive. Of feeling like a blob. Just there, squishing around, no shape or definition.

I will have projects that motivate me: Write a book! A sassy work of fiction! Scratch that..let's try non-fiction. Still sassy of course. 

Ok, how about learn French! Knit a Sweater! 

In between projects, I bounce back and forth about returning to work and what that would look like. 

I want to stay in my field of Project Management but mid-level and for a company whose mission statement I believe in. 

I want to pursue a career in Education, working with high school kids and focusing on Youth Development, a term I have recently learned.

All these "I"s come at me in a jumble at times. There's no structure of a job, of someone else dictating what I should be focusing on. No external pressures of a deadline. No external validation of a job well done. 

In this way, I do feel the nothing-ness of a weekend spent in hibernation. Like there are all these possibilities and a feeling that I should be doing more, and what I end up doing are tedius, small things.

Yet, I am healthy, my family is healthy. We want for nothing materially. Is not being able to do tedius, small things a luxury? Is 'nothing' a luxury? Or, is it living small?


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